Aug 18, 2010

The Bachelor Pad

Whoever said accountants can't have fun obviously hasn't met my friend, J. When he's not crunching numbers, J can be seen on Yorkville's patios and settling in for a good night of quality smut. While Gossip Girl still reigns supreme in his books, The Bachelor Pad has been filling his summer television void. His insistent begging for me to tune in has failed, but I've invited him to share all the drama with you, my loyal A-Listers. Enjoy!

Photo via ABC
It’s often been said that trashy television makes for great television. If that is true, then ABC’s “The Bachelor Pad” should be considered the Mona Lisa of reality TV. I don’t often get the urge to write about things on the internet----usually I am content to just sit back and read The A List-----but after last night’s episode I felt compelled to share my thoughts with someone besides my brother(and yes we are two guys watching “The Bachelor Pad”. Alone.)

Just a bit of background on the show because this won’t be a lot of fun if no one knows what in the world I’m talking about. Former bachelor and bachelorette castoffs are living in a house and every week a guy and girl are sent home through Survivor style voting by the other gender. Challenges are set up whereby one girl and one guy winner get to take some people on a date and protect one of them from elimination. Last one left gets $250k. Think the “Real World/Road Rules Challenge”, just with people actually watching.

Naturally that leads to some of the female contestants using their, um, charms to ensure that they are safe from elimination or get chosen to go on the group dates. However even I was unprepared for the sheer amount of whoring that the first two episodes have brought us. Last week a girl named Elizabeth literally tried to blackmail a guy named Kovacs into pretending he loves her in front of the other girls because it would be “advantageous for him”. And she somehow isn’t even the most psycho girl in the house.

That was last week. Of course, there was plenty of crazy on last night’s episode to fill up a post like this one. I’ve narrowed it down to the top 5:

5) The challenge this week was a pie eating contest. Naturally, it ended up with girls vomiting into their hands when they couldn’t get to a garbage can fast enough. Special thanks to ABC for excessive use of the zoom function. It was lovely to see Gia licking the table that she had regurgitated onto a minute later.

4) The “cool people”(direct quote) start to form an alliance(or it might have been a gang, I couldn’t tell), so all of the “outliers”(another direct quote) decide to get together to try and look out for each other. In a related story, these people graduated from high school over two decades ago.

3) Gia, who wins the aforementioned pie eating contest and its immunity, promises to protect Craig, a fellow outlier. She goes so far as to literally tell Craig and his tidal wave haircut that exact plan that she had come up with. And then Wes (part of the cool team), tells Gia that he loves her and that she’s beautiful. That drunken confession is enough to get Gia to completely betray her alliance and protect Wes. She calls it a “moral decision”. I wonder how the serious boyfriend she has back home feels about her morals.

2) Gia is full of it. This deserves a second point. She starts talking about what a wonderful person Wes is and how “in a different life, he might be the person for me”. Again, she has a BOYFRIEND back home. Any person who’s ever been cheated on/seen cheating knows exactly where this is heading in the future. She screws her alliance of “outliers”(great book btw) just because some drunk Texan throws out some cheesy pickup lines? Words cannot describe this stupidity. Based on the promos for next week, it seems like I’m not done dissecting Gia’s classy decisions.

1) Gia decides that she can still save the plan and save Craig by getting all the uncool girls to vote for some guy named “Kiptyn”(if you had to ask if he’s a cool guy or not, you clearly have never visited an American prep school). Kiptyn hears about it, and manages to sway an outlier named Nicki to vote for Craig instead, simply by smiling and batting his eyelashes at her 651 times. This causes Craig to get voted off, which gives the cool guys the power, and puts uncool girls (like Nicki) on the firing line for next week. But hey, any time you can sacrifice $250k for a good looking guy who hits on you for 5 minutes, that’s something that you can’t turn down.

I love reality TV. See you next Monday Bachelor Pad.

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